We live in a society where the divorce rate is on the rise. Is it an epidemic or are there things that married couples can do to prevent divorce before things get too bad?
A successful marriage may be defined by many people in many different ways. However, there are a few common factors that seem to remain steady in those successful marriages. The four key ingredients are as follows:
1. Increase positive emotions everyday (even during conflict)
2. Create a friendship with your spouse
3. Decrease negative emotions during conflict
4. Have a repair plan in place
Research has shown that these four things are also related to the predictors of divorce. So how can you use these four ingredients to prevent divorce?
Increase positive emotions everyday, even during conflict
What are the positive emotions in your relationship? Do you use humor? Are you able to compliment your spouse on behaviors and actions? Do you show appreciation to your spouse? Can you communicate with your spouse without criticizing blaming? These are some of the tools that can be used to increase positive emotions everyday with your spouse. Using humor, even when stresses are high, kids need to be picked up and dinner needs to be made are all ways to keep emotions from taking a downward spiral. The tasks need to be done anyway and you have a choice to put humor into your day or let it get in the way of how you communicate with your spouse.
It only takes a moment to let your spouse know that you appreciate his/her behavior or like the way they did something. Even if it is as simple as “I really appreciate you taking out the trash” or “I like the way you touched my hand just now” provides positive emotion in your everyday actions.
What is the difference between complaining and criticizing? Complaining implies that you are unhappy about an issue and you would like something changed. Criticizing implies that you are judging the person for the thing in which you are complaining. Work on ways of communicating that focus on solutions and not the problem.
Disagreements do happen and conflict can ensue. How do you focus on the positive emotions during conflict? Use your sense of humor, find something to laugh about or tell your spouse that you appreciate his/her point of view and you may need to agree to disagree. Find words that are solution focused versus disparaging remarks that are judgmental and attack your spouse’s character.
Create a friendship with your spouse
Divorce prevention requires a desire to keep your relationship healthy. If you want to prevent gaining weight you need watch your diet and exercise. If you want to prevent divorce, you need to work on the basic foundation of your marriage, your friendship with your spouse.
When you are dating and getting to know someone, you pay attention to what they like, their favorite color, favorite places, things that make them happy. When you first get married, these things are still important to you, but the relationship develops to a different level and you pay less attention to the things that make your partner happy. After some time has passed, children are born and life gets to a routine the focus shifts back to what makes “ME” happy. This is a normal progression. However, if we don’t take the time to stay connected with our spouse on what makes them happy, what they like, etc. we begin to take our friendship with our spouse for granted. For example, can you name your partner’s best friend? Do you know what stresses your spouse is currently facing? Do you know the people in your spouse’s life that have irritating him/her lately? Do you know what your spouse’s life’s dreams are? These are just some of the examples that indicate a level of connectedness and friendship with our spouse. Take the time to reconnect with your spouse and find out what makes him/her happy, motivated and excited.
Decreasing negative emotions with your spouse during conflict
Decreasing negative emotions during conflict is a key factor to divorce prevention. Name calling, character assaults, withdrawing and blaming are all negative behaviors that lead to negative emotions during conflict with your spouse. How do you prevent this? Plan in advance and know your style of conflict. If you know what triggers you during conflict, discuss these triggers with your spouse during a time when conflict is not present. For example, when you get angry or frustrated and your tendency is to shut down or withdraw let your partner know so he/she can become of this and you can come up with a plan to work it through. This is helpful because your partner will be less likely to personalize your behavior and minimize the negative emotions during conflict.
Have a repair plan in place
It may be as simple as an apology or a special look that your spouse knows that you know you want to repair the situation. Put strategies in place that will prevent thoughts of divorce. Withdrawing, blaming and criticizing each other are all predictors of a downward spiral in relationships
You have the opportunity to make your relationship be the best it can be. Every relationship has its ups and downs and you have the power to prevent divorce. You can grow with your spouse during each peak and valley of life and prevent the possibility of a divorce.
Susie Duffy, LMFT. - Susie Duffy's clinical experience is focused on the practice of collaborative divorce, divorce mediation, co-parenting and post-divorce relationships. She uses her training in family systems to work with couples, and families as they go through the difficult transition of divorce.
To learn more, see the following FamilyIQ courses: 
Divorce: Parent Education and Family Stabilization, Divorce: Co-Parent Communication, Divorce: The Initial Hurdles, Surviving Divorce
